Saturday, September 20, 2008

Building My Jail

It has occurred to me that I've mastered the art of imprisoning myself. Recently I took the time to reflect on past relationships in hopes of being enlightened on why the relationships did not flourish but instead ceased to exist.
As I thought back over not so distant relationships as well as those from long ago, I could clearly see a pattern; I was clearly in a pattern of seeking relationships with the wrong people. By calling them the "wrong people" I in no way mean that the people were bad, they were simply bad for me. It must be true that as humans, we tend to want that which is not good for us; the very things that do us damage are the things that we want and seek to obtain.
In reviewing all of my past loves, I could see a common theme, I felt imprisoned. Oh they all started out as most new loves do, the excitement of someone new, the phone calls till 3 A.M. yet waking at 7 missing the person as though you had not spoken in year. The endless nights of great sex, the long walks and talks... You get the picture I'm sure. The problem I saw was that these things never lasted long and when we should have been moving into the comfortable stage of familiarity and contentment, I was moving towards feeling imprisoned.
Over and over again, I repeated the same cycle, and each time, I found ways to blame my partner. In reflections, it was clear that the things that I complained about were simply a part of that person's personality, it was who they were and had been all along. Had I taken a chance to think before plunging ahead, often aggressively chasing the person, I would have been able to see that the person was not for me. Instead, I constantly followed my feelings of immediate gratification, enjoying the thrill of the chase and the smell of victory and accomplishment once I had won their affection, blindly ignoring that these things would pass and I would need to be able to go through the routine of daily life with this person who in actuality I could not tolerate, and more than likely, they could not tolerate me.
Once the light would come on and the little things that I disliked about them became HUGE things that I hated, that familiar feeling of imprisonment would inevitably return. The bickering would become arguing, the thoughts of cheating would become true infidelity, and in my mind, I was justified because this person would not or could not be the person I thought they should be.
Each and every time, I built my own jail, brick by brick. Every time I ignored things I disliked about the person in the beginning, every time I pretended to be someone I was not to gain the affection of this person, yet knowing I could not keep up the charade, I was building my jail to imprison myself.
The next time your mind is tempted to be idle, take a minute to reflect on your past relationships, you might be surprised with what you find... Just something For You To Ponder.

4 comments:

  1. It takes a lot to have a heart to heart with yourself. You took a big step in doing this as well as writing this blog. The sad thing is that some people never wake up and realize they are their own jailer. Good blog sistah!

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  2. Anonymous1:31 PM

    Mirror mirror on the wall, time to be honest with yourself, you make the call. damn good blog. your honesty is overwhelming.

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  3. Michael W.9:41 AM

    Most people wouldn't have the guts to have a heart to heart with themselves and examine their own shortcomings. Kudos to you for first knowing yourself intimately before attempting to know another intimately. We live and we learn. Great blog!

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  4. Anonymous12:06 PM

    being honest with yourself is often one of the hardest things to do

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